Fair warning, they may be cheesy, long, and there may be multiple ones. Truth be told, they may all say the same thing, but if I don't get them out, it'll drive me crazy. It's like someone gave me this little idea through Inception, but not at all like what I just said. Make sense? It's OK. I don't get it, either.
Dear Boise State,
Hi. We haven't met and we never will. The reason is because although I may meet a few of you leading up to September 3rd, I won't meet all of you and this letter is to everyone. So, try as you might to find me and set me straight in what I'm about to say, just know that very few of you will actually do it.
I have a problem with you, BS. I hope you don't mind me referring to you as "BS" for this letter. Surely you trust that the shortened version of your name isn't some kind of suggestive play on initials on my part. I'd venture to say NO ONE thinks of "Bull Sh*t" when they see BS in this post. They're thinking "Boise State...that's the team we play in September." Yep. That's it.
The reason I'm writing you today is because I saw this piece detailing your strengths heading into 2011 by your one team blog "One Bronco Nation Under God." While I agree with OBNUG that you're a good team, there's no point in me going further than that. If you want me to break it down clearly for you, you're high off your collective asses if you think that there are no weaknesses on your team.
Let's just take a look at what College Football News says about your team. I picked them out randomly because Pete Fiutak puts a positive spin on BS and there's some nice statistics for me to pull from there as well. I figured if I can find flaws in a positive article, then the flaws do indeed exist.
Fiutak swears up and down that it's time for America to believe BS is a good team and I think he is exactly right. In fact, us Georgia folks could learn a thing or two about respecting what your coach has done with the talent he has on hand. If there's a better coach in America that puts guys in the places they need to be in order to be successful, then I'd love to have him pointed out to me.
However, it's the ON PAPER stuff that's killing me. Let's take a look at your Offensive Line. It's projected as a strength, but you have ONE guy tipping the scale at 300 lbs. ONE. Just as a point of reference, we run a 3-4, meaning we'd have to put two linebackers on the line to go hat-for-hat with yours. If we did that, we'd still outweigh the line by 23 lbs. That may not seem like much difference, but remember, there are two LINEBACKERS that go into that equation. If you'd like another point of reference, every single one of our front three guys outweigh the man they'll be going against. The Nose Tackle (whether it be Jenkins or Geathers) will at least outweigh anyone on your line by 50 lbs.
Let's look at the other trench. The combined weight across our Offensive Line outweighs your front four plus your heaviest linebacker (Senior Byron Hout...a very good player) by 312 lbs. If you want to look at it another way, you could add your biggest offensive lineman at 300 lbs. and still be short.
The size difference between us and you guys is ridiculous. Now, I know that you're going to scream about scheme for a second, so let me go ahead and address that, too. Our goal is to play grind it out football with you. We don't want to get tricky. We have full confidence that if we go hat-on-hat with you, that we'll beat you. Why? Because Volvos don't beat Mack Trucks. They just survive the crash. We know that being smaller means being faster. What we're hoping on is that we're quick enough to get hands on you, because if THAT happens, you're be getting out of our way, whether you like it or not.
Didn't you also lose your two best Wide Receivers in the offseason? Yep. You did.
You're still a very good team, though. You have a great QB and everyone raves about your scheme, but they forget how good you are at running the ball. You're pretty decent at it. You do have an athletic, albeit smaller, Offensive Line. That works for you, and that's great. You have a quick, swarming Defense that's been really good the past few years at getting after the opposing teams QB.
You also hang half a hundred on everyone you play because of two reasons (and they're counterproductive to one another). The first reason states that you have to blow them out because if you don't, you won't get the respect nationally from people who don't watch football at 11:00 PM on Friday nights. The second reason you put up 50+ on everyone is because the teams you normally play suck. That's why one loss (Hi Nevada!) drops you from Champ to Chump. But let's not talk about schedules, because that has no bearing on this game, right? Right.
I'm sure I'll get more writing in later about this, BS, in the coming days as you talk more smack over and over again. You're getting mighty confident for a team that still hangs its hat on beating Oklahoma. You do know that was five years ago, right? The unfortunate thing is you can't seem to remember when we beat you like you stole something six years ago. Here's the video. My favorite part? Go to about 3:00...
And don't give me that crap that "Oh that was Dan Hawkins! We have Chris
See, BS, we HAVE to beat you. We're doing it for ourselves, but also for the SEC. You think you'd be Alabama? Florida? LSU? Arkansas? Maybe even Tennessee? I don't know if you could. So it ain't about you. It's about us having to do it so no one else tells us that we should have. Losing to you is like getting a curable STD. It doesn't matter if the antibiotics took it away, you still got it at some point and you'll always be labeled that way. It's WAY worse to lose to you than it is to beat you. We get nothing for beating you. No one gives you a high five when you didn't sleep with the girl that had an STD. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SLEEP WITH A GIRL WHO HAS AN STD.
You're an STD. A big potato STD. Poterpes. Spudmydia. I don't care what you call it. That's what you are and that's what you have. Even if we lose to you and run the table, you can bathe in AJAX and not take off the stench of the loss.
We'll communicate more in the coming weeks, but for right now, just remember one thing. You're the girl with the STD and we don't want to sleep with you.
Until next time kids.